


Had I But Known

by El Staplador (elstaplador)



Category: The Comfortable Courtesan - Madame C- C-
Genre: Community: ladiesbingo, Diary/Journal, F/F, Gratuitous wombatt reference, Irony, Melodrama, Theatre, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 09:33:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8707123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elstaplador/pseuds/El%20Staplador
Summary: Some extracts from the dramatick notebooks of Miss A., the early period of her career.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For the ladiesbingo prompt 'It wasn't meant to be'

The Miller's Promise

First night – not an entire disaster. NB: Act I sc 3 – wait for laugh after but did I not so; Act II sc 5 very good, Act III sc 3 – GS forgets Then tell me! in performance as well as in rehearsal; pick it up at Ah, but the heart...

Later, after Mr P.'s soirée \- Quite terrified by necessity of meeting Mme C., but she was entirely charming to me, said the prettiest things about my scene in Act II, and nothing about Mr P. at all. I think perhaps she considers him little loss.

She is very lovely.

  
Much Ado About Nothing

First night – take care not to lose the speed in sc 1; longer pause after my mother cried; sure I do not know how Mr W. makes Dogberry comick, but indeed he does so; unveiling must be slower.

HJ says we are to take it to Bath in the summer. (Qu: how to manage the sunflower business on that short apron? Discuss with HJ.) We must make the most of this before Mr P. brings forth Queen Maud.

Miss M. is quite enchanting; would kill Claudio for her sake myself.

Mme C. at the first night; I saw her in Lord GR's box.

I think she smiled at me.

  
Queen Maud

Is far worse than any of us expected. I have not the first idea how to tackle this, either the part, or the play. It is speech after speech, no action at all.

But I dare not offend Mr P.

  
Later \- Mme C. encourages me to consider Queen Maud as a challenge to my dramatick capabilities; though I still fear that the thing is quite impossible. She had me read a receipt for pikelets, but that is by no means comparable: for one thing, it is much shorter, and a good deal more digestible.

For tuppence I declare I would throw the thing in. I do not do this to please myself, nor yet the tedious author of the tedious play.

But she believes I can.

O, how gracious is Mme C. to me!

NB: always the emphasis on England! (sure it comes up often enough)

  
First night – utterly disastrous; it cannot last the week.

  
As You Like It

Sure breeches take a deal of getting used to.

It is ever a delight to play with Miss M. Sweet Miss M.! Is it her art, or is she in truth the loveliest woman on the stage?

  
Twelfth Night

My father had a daughter loved a man - sure it ought to speak itself, and yet...

Mme C. suggests that perhaps my feeling is disposed towards Shakspere, not perhaps towards those who present his genius. And indeed it is true that I feel more warmly towards Miss M. and towards JH than I do towards, shall we say, Mr P. But sure, I feel there must be more to it than that.

First night, late \- And Miss M. smiles on me!

Surely it cannot all be art; surely there must be some feeling in there.

(Lady Jane in the M. box again; sure I have marked her there before.)

  
Miss M. deserts me – for the Americas! Unfeeling wretch! Sure my heart is breaking, and for hours on end I must stand like – no, not like Patience on a monument, for Sir ZR paints me as Rosalind, not Viola. And worse – I had in my reticule the last note that she sent me, and, I know not how, it fell out when I went to see the wombatt, and the creature et it.

Surely I am the most miserable of all women.

  
The Recruiting Officer

HJ forever urging me to rally, sure, he says, this is a comedy. Things go well enough, I suppose, but sure I cannot help but feel the lack of my dearest Miss M., that would have made the loveliest Rose. But since all that I have left now is my art, I must apply myself to it the more fervently.

Lady Jane! She is like a queen, an Amazon! yet smiles on me, declares me so far superior to girls she could mention with pretensions above mine. She proposes to give a first-night party in my honour; but she will not invite Mme C. I cannot understand why not; I am minded to tell her no, she may put her party where -

Beloved Mme C. is most sweetly forgiving, tells me it would not be proper, &C.

I would it were otherwise. Lady Jane bestows the most pleasing attentions upon me, and indeed I find myself inclining to her. Here at least it cannot simply be the work of Shakspere's words! - though indeed Lady Jane has the very nicest apprehension of dramatick matters.

(I wonder, what would Mme C. say of this? She urged me to caution when I was so bewitched with Miss M.; sure I am glad of that now!)

  
First night – sure I never dreamed the bliss that woman could render for woman...!

But would that I could reconcile two that have been such friends to me.

  
My sweetest Lady Jane makes the foulest accusations to me – foul because they are true, or I would that they were! The more I swear that there is nothing in them, the more I wish that Mme C. would indeed... no, I shall not write it!

I say to myself that even had I known ere it was too late, Mme C. could not have returned my feelings; her inclinations do not turn in that direction. (O, but that I could have been Ganymede to her, or Cesario!)

No. It will not do. Sure I am blessed beyond the common lot of woman; Lady Jane showers treasures upon me; and I ought in any case to be preparing The Cause of Friendship.

But O, if I could but believe that Mme C. might turn her gaze upon a woman! No. It never can be.


End file.
